I Don't Have to Prove Myself

 ^not me^

So, I've officially started my new job as 5th grade teacher as of today. The teachers are back on contract, but we don't have students until NEXT Tuesday. Which is also my 29th birthday. Anyway, back to my point I was trying to get to before I start rambling off into space.

I've now met all of my colleagues except one who's not been at the school yet due to family issues, and from what I've heard keeps to herself all the time anyway. There are a total of 8 5th grade teachers in our school. 5 of them have made me feel super welcome and comfortable ever since I thought I might be getting the job. I met 4 of them at professional development curriculum workshops the week between getting the call from the principal and the "official" call from Human Resources. They were super nice, come to check on me, joke with me like I'm already a part of the crew, and one has even come to *me* for teaching advice.

But if you do the math, here, that means there's one more teacher who doesn't fit into either of the above categories. And of course, she's the one who I share an office with and have to team-teach with. Right now, she's making me feel like I've got to prove myself to her for me to be accepted. I feel like she resents me because I took the position her best friend vacated. It really was bothering me, when I first started dwelling on it, because I'm honestly not used to people automatically not liking me without ever getting to know me.

Then I started thinking (along with encouragement from the Hub) that I don't need her approval for multiple reasons. First, I know I'm a good teacher. Parents are whining that I'm not at the middle school anymore because I taught their older kids and now they have more that are going into 6th grade, and they were hoping I'd be one of their teachers. Apparently, now there are parents making requests for me at the elementary school already. So, see, I know I must be good. The kids and parents like me for the most part. (And I'm not always the nicest teacher. I have high expectations of work quality and behavior.) Second, it dawned on me that this teacher that's making me feel this way is younger and has less experience than me! I definitely don't need to prove myself to a teacher who's been doing this less time than I have, no matter how great she thinks she is.

Plus she talks down to me and words things in a way that makes it sound like she's doing me a favor, like by "saving" me from having to plan both science and social studies, when she's just doing that because she doesn't want to teach social studies (because she's always taught science - always being the previous two school years). Or that she graciously "took over" the low-level math class that the teacher I replaced had taught the year before so I wouldn't have to "get dumped on". Seriously? Do yourself a favor, and stop being a martyr. You should be doing this to help the kids in the best way possible, not to make yourself look like a saint!

So, I've decided I'm going to tolerate her "living" next door to me until Thanksgiving, then pray when she goes out on maternity leave, that she does decide to stay out for the rest of the year. I just don't want to deal with such condescension on a daily basis.  It's not worth it. I'm better than that. I'm just going to go out there, do my thing even if it is different than the way she's "always" done it, and do what's best for my students. And continue to shake off the feeling that I need to demonstrate that I am, indeed, a good teacher and a fun human being. (Plus I like talking with the teacher across the hall better, anyway. She'll be my friend and let me vent. I can tell already!)

6 more days to get my room (and lessons) ready before the students walk through my door for the first time!!

Apparently, I'm a Jedi

**Disclaimer: This is a very personal post about religion. I'm not trying to step on toes or offend, and I'm sorry if I do, but I need to say this. I apologize in advance.**

This weekend, I was faced with multiple questions from my mom and grandma about church. As in "Where are you going to church?" not even "Are you going to church?" It's assumed in our family you go to church. And since I was eighteen, I've not voluntarily gone. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Christianity as a whole, but I do take issues with organized religion in general. I think that religious beliefs are a wholly personal thing, and if someone wants to share it, they can, but it's not necessary.

My biggest issue with the church I grew up in, and my parents' philosophy, is the extreme levels of guilt inflicted on the "believers". As a friend mentioned in a intense Twitter conversation last night, religion tends towards the stick, not the carrot. Not that I need a reward to do things, but I don't want the spectre of punishment hanging overhead for my entire life.

So, with all of this surfacing, again, I began to really think about what I believe. Or as Chris Rock said in Dogma, what I have "a good idea" about. I think that there is some kind of greater power out there, whether it be God, gods, or a completely unfathomable entity, I believe there is something out there that had a guiding hand in life. I also believe in modern science. Those beliefs are a bit difficult to reconcile. Also, I have a very difficult time reconciling it with a lot of what I know from history. So this leads me to my "idea".

I believe that there are two opposing forces in the universe that flow through everything and struggle to maintain a delicate balance. Not necessarily good and evil, more like the ancient Egyptian belief in the forces of order and chaos. In keeping with the idea of maintaining order, I believe people should be nice, follow the rules, and all of that. There's nothing about guilting people into following such a legalistic set of religious laws, just being nice and a good citizen. (Sounds like I'm in primary school again.)

As I started to reflect on all of this, which I'm pretty sure I've not expressed very clearly, I had to laugh. Because I came to the realization that basically, what I believe in, is the Force. Yes, as in the power that feeds and guides the Jedi and the Sith. And when you think about it, it's kinda like the whole order and chaos concept. Egyptians even represented chaos with the color red, the color of Set.

So, yeah, I believe in the existence of the Force. Perhaps I'll get to be a Jedi, perhaps not, but I'll always show my respect to the balance of nature and do my best to stay on the order side of things. Where this fits in the traditional religions, I don't know, because I don't know enough about Eastern religions, but I do know if I ever told all of this to my mom, she'd have a prayer intervention going in five minutes, flat. I just hope that eventually people can come to accept what I believe and stop giving me grief about it. I think there's more than one way to live and believe. Your way may just not work for everyone else.

Peace, and may the force be with you.

Stop Making Me Cry! (A Gleek-Out)

Dear Glee Finale,

You're awesome. Please stop making me cry! Yes, I'm a uber-emotional girl who cries very easily, but seriously, you're making me bawl like a little baby!! I've gone through at least three or four tissues watching you.

You've made me anticipate next season already. Hopefully FOX won't be dumb and take you away from prematurely like they did everything else I love that Joss Whedon has touched. (Beware, it's apparently FOX's kiss of death...)

I generally don't do the jump thing, but I'm doing this do avoid being spoiler-y...

...But They'll Never Take My Freedom!

**Warning: Profanity-Laced Post Ahead** 

Today was the last day with students. I have been in classrooms for seven years and teaching full-time for five. As you probably know, I really do love my job. It's where I'm meant to me. I have a passion for kids - guiding them, caring for them imparting my knowledge to them. But this year has been the worst school year ever! It's like the Herdmans infiltrated the minds of the frakking sixth grade this year and tried to make our lives a living hell. Seriously, I've never taught a worse group.

These kids took, took, took, and never gave a shit. I went through more school supplies than ever before, and I teach in a fairly good middle-class community.  I started out the year with 600+ pencils and ended the year with 10. I don't even want to know what the kids were doing with them. How irresponsible can you be? They smeared glue sticks on my floor and desk. They stole books from my classroom (and from other teachers' as well) and were found "left" all over the school. One was even found soaking wet on the floor of the boys' restroom. No telling...

They were apathetic. They didn't care about their learning. I've always been able to encourage students to take ownership of their learning and make it relevant to "real life," but this group would have none of it. Very few students even showed a glimmer of personality. My honors class, which is usually a highly-motivated, enthusiastic, creative bunch of kids were mostly bumps on a log with their noses stuck in books. I couldn't even get them involved in activities this year.

Needless to say, after a few months of apathy and disrespect (for people and property), I lost most of my motivation to be a "good" teacher. I still cared about the students, but I was starting to care less and less about what I was teaching them. Yes, please, write me a three-paragraph essay that tells me how to do or make something. Seriously, district? This is your idea of a GOOD writing assignment? i was just lucky that the second half of the year meant teaching how to use non-fiction resources, how to do research, a simple novel study, state testing review, and a couple of big, time-consuming projects. I didn't have to put forth much effort. When the students don't appreciate the effort put into the lesson, I'm less likely to make an effort.

There were some super sweet students in this group who got overlooked because of all of the ass-hats that spent most of their time in detention or suspended. I've never had this many students with bad discipline records, ever! And I had a student who almost went to juvenile a few years back! Back to those few good ones. They're the ones who I still tried to reach, but their classmates made it damn near impossible. They're the ones who I actually took the time to sign their yearbooks this week. They're the ones who came by to give me hugs today. They're the ones I hope actually come back to visit me once they're older. They're the handful I'm going to miss.

{via}

That all being said, they did not kill me this year. I have survived. I will no longer teach these students again. If they ever darken my doorway in the future, it will be simply to visit, not as a student. As of 12:00 pm EDT today, the students of Hellclass 2010 are on summer break, and that means I, too, am free! Sure, I have to return for a few days of teacher work next week, but those days are easy. I'm not focusing on that, I'm focusing on my 12 sweet weeks of freedom.

You'll probably be seeing me way too much for my own good online now! But it will definitely be fun. And less stressful.

Yes, Intelligence, Please!

Emily Jane wrote a brilliant blog post about the lack of brain-power and thought put into many TV and movie productions these days. How they're so mainstream, safe, stereotypical, and full of "fluff," and I couldn't agree more. So I decided to take the thoughts she inspired in my sick-addled brain and write them over here.

Way too many movies that are made now are completely unoriginal. There are remakes and reboots galore.  There are adaptations of books and comics around every corner. I love comics, and the recent Marvel movies had been very entertaining. That's not to say they all have been. The Ang Lee Hulk was horrible. What was Brett Ratner thinking when he made X-Men: The Last Stand? And speaking of X-Men, what was Hugh Jackman thinking when he signed on to Wolverine? The obvious massive payday aside, did he even bother to read the mind-bendingly disjointed script?

Don't even get me started on the state of comedies, crap children's movies, and romantic comedies. Yes, I do go see some of these movies for the popcorn-level fun or if I'm in the need for something painfully sappy, but they generally do not include an ounce of actual intelligence.

The same could be said about most TV. We're still riding in on the end of the reality-TV wave. I'm just glad to say I think American Idol is finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. There are a ridiculous number of Law and Order/CSI clones on at any time. Don't get me wrong, there are a few of those which are well-written with enjoyable characters - Bones and Castle, but the ubiquity of these things tend to make me mad.

There are still good things being made, don't get me wrong. I just wish that there was more quality and originality out there. Part of the problem in this country is production cost and the insane need for ratings, though. Can the network execs not learn that not every show out there is going to have tens of millions of viewers? Not everything that is good will be universally acceptable. And if you relegate something to 8:00 or 9:00 on a Friday night, of course your numbers will be low! Get over yourselves. That being said, there are things I do like out there.

I, too, am not a horror movie fan. I'm a bit of a wuss, but, really, what it is, is I 'm not a fan of scare-tactics. (I am, however, a fan of parentheticals, interrupters, and appositives.) The best "scary" movies and TV shows are the ones that hit home in a very disturbing way.

 I'm fairly new to the whole Doctor Who thing, but as Emily said, it's been scaring generations of children since the 1960s. It's incredible. That show really gets you. The weeping angels are some of the scariest creatures I've ever seen. The way they move, or don't move, and how they can be everywhere and nowhere. How they can slowly turn you into stone. It's like a more believable, and in turn, creepier, version of Medusa. And don't get me started on the Daleks. Their voices, their lack of remorse or any conscience at all... Yeah, scary. I mean, look at the exent of the Daleks' manipulation. It's all just a means to an end.

I am a bit more familiar with the Whedonverse. He created entire fantasy worlds for Buffy and Angel, and they were right here in our own world. There was (is) a lot of originality from the mind of this guy and his friends. Plus things can definitely get scary. I'm watching the Buffy episode "Nightmares" right now. An entire episode about your worst nightmares coming to life? That's harsh. It ranges from the typical "not studying for a test" or "showing up at school naked" to creepy killer clowns, getting buried alive, and resurrected vampire Masters. Anything (and apparently everything) can happen when you live onto of the Hellmouth.

His forays into "sci-fi" were not as successful. I say "sci-fi" in quotations because they had some science, but they were very much escapist fantasy, as well. Of course, I feel that Firefly was a super-intelligent show that met its demise far too soon. Also, Dollhouse, when the writers were allowed to do what they wanted to write, and not bow to the whims of FOX executives to save their show, was great. It dealt with some great ethical issues that many other shows would've been to scared to attack. Obviously Whedon's heavier shows were not very widely accepted in the mainstream. They do have a HUGE cult-following, though.

And speaking of "sci-fi," what about the great space soap opera that was Ronald D. Moore's Battlestar Galactica? That show dealt with some heavy issues, like balance of religion and politics, death penalties, abortion, rape, cloning, oppressive governments, and many more that aren't coming to me right now. Sure, this show was a "remake" of something that existed 30 years previously, but it wasn't really a remake. It was more a reinvention with some of the basic concepts still at its core. I'm still not sure I liked where the finale went, but whatever. It shouldn't tarnish the legacy that is left in the show. Not always original, definitely mainstream-friendly in many ways, but it was not "fluff" all the time.

Moral of the story: Be original, and draw on people's real fears. Don't try to scare us with things that go bump in the night, unless there's a good Doctor Who-type reason behind it. And networks, stop caring so much about AI getting you 35 million viewers. Make some quality TV, and let the creators have creative freedom!!

Chill Out

Ok, I just need to take a deep breath and chill the frak out. If I were to go to the doctor anytime soon, I'm sure my blood pressure would be off the charts. I'm getting stressed out and irrationally worked up over the most asinine things right now.

Situation One - 
I'm still waiting to hear whether or not I'm gonna get the teaching transfer to something grades K-4 that I interviewed for last week. They have until May 21 to make the decision. That means another month of waiting. I'm not always that patient.

Situation Two - 
I'm starting to feel like I'm losing control of my 6th/7th grade reading intervention class. The 6th graders are still sweet and listen to whatever I say. They're nice and respectful, though they might try to talk over me sometimes.

The 7th graders have a major attitude, though, and act like my class is beneath them. Sadly, they're the ones that really need the help. Some of them have gotten rude and disrespectful over the past few weeks, and it really hurts. I've never had students be this blatantly rude to me before. Can you start to see why I want to leave middle school?

7 Weeks, But Who's Counting?

So, today was the first day back to school after Spring Break, and let me tell you how much I want out already! After teaching 6th grade for 5 years, this is the least-attentive, most talkative worst-behaved overall group we've ever had. Even some teachers who've been there 20+ years are saying the same thing. They drain all the energy I have by 3:30 every day.

We start our state testing (TCAP) next week, so this week is "finish reviewing" week.  First of all, with a new curriculum, a new test that is supposed to be higher-level thinking such as application and analysis of skills, and the fact that our job security is now directly tied to our individual test scores, I hate "teaching to the test" more and more each year, but it's getting hard to find much of a way around it.

Our school at least bought these great test-review books that have helped me to review kids in isolation on skills we worked on earlier this year in a much more holistic manner. They've made the past few weeks really easy on me, but I know that the students are completely over it. I mean, a week and a half of test prep before the break and another week after? Yeah, that's how massive my tested Language Arts/Reading curriculum is.  Reviewing takes two and a half weeks. 74 tested skills. Yay?!

So, in other words, if I can make it through the next two weeks, after TCAPs are over, there are only 5 weeks left. All downhill from there, right?